A couple of years ago I listened to a creative writing lecture given by the brilliant Scottish writer and broadcaster, Carl MacDougall, while he discussed all the rookie mistakes that amateur writers make. He gave us two essential pieces of advice that day, which I have kept uppermost in my mind since then; although at the time, my fellow students and I thought he must be barking mad.
Carl insisted that we should use adverbs and adjectives sparingly; NO MORE THAN THREE PER PAGE! Really, seriously? But what about all the gorgeous words I have been storing up inside my head, waiting for the perfect moment to be unleashed upon a page of pristine prose. He went on to explain the reasoning behind it thankfully, and used some examples of how glaringly awful it is to read something stuffed full of colourful adjectives. I was forced to acknowledge his wisdom and went home to delete 97% of superfluous descriptions in my, as yet unpublished, novel and cut the word count significantly as a result.
His other piece of advice was equally bizarre, upon first hearing it. He implored us to KILL OUR BABIES! Jenny and I sat up straight and looked at each other in alarm and kept our eyes on the classroom door, and felt grateful that this obvious psychopath was lecturing us via a videoconference link from Glasgow.
He went on to explain that we should look out for any puffed-up and pretentious nonsense that we might have written. He said we would recognise it for what it was, because in all likelihood it would be the sentence or paragraph that we were most proud of. Now really, why on earth would we want to delete something we were particularly proud of? It made no sense at all. However, I have since learned to appreciate the wisdom of these words. There are times when I have read a novel and been struck by a piece of prose that sticks out like a plate of sausage rolls at a Bar Mitzvah buffet, and one can tell that the author has gone to some length to impress us with their intellect. As a reader, we want to get drawn in to the story so deeply that we don’t wish to be reminded of the author’s presence, and it is usually when we read something too utterly perfect that we are distracted by this fact.
As a writer, it can be difficult trying to describe something in a way that is clear, precise and not too clichéd. There are some clichés that I can’t stand, and sadly, they are normally the sort that are littering up chick-lit and women’s magazines.
I have never met, nor would I wish to, anyone who possesses a “peaches and cream complexion”. What the hell does that mean anyway? Has any writer ever looked at a bowl of peaches and cream and been reminded of anyone’s skin? A peach is practically orange on the inside and a mottled mixture of red, yellow and orange on the outside.
Likewise, I have never met anyone who’s complexion could accurately be described as cafe au lait or the newer trendy version of that, cafe latte. This hideous description is usually used as a way of describing someone of mixed race, or Asian. It is intended to be flattering, but I think that if anyone did actually have skin colour resembling a mug of milky coffee then they would probably be seriously ill.
Rosebud lips anyone? The only time any potential heroine of a romantic novel could possibly have anything resembling rosebud lips, is when they are pursed in disapproval or anger, and that is not a good look. Or does the writer wish to imply that the lips are rose coloured, which would be fine if roses only came in shades of pink, red or nude. Yellow and white roses need not apply to become the latest shade in Chanel lipstick.
“Butter-soft” is another favourite adjective, used to describe the exquisite softness of a leather jacket or handbag. Whenever I read that expression a slab of greasy butter is brought to mind, along with that slightly rancid odour that soft butter has. Maybe that is why I remain largely unmoved by handbags, shoes and leather jackets, despite my dreadful magazine habit.
It seems to me that some writers can be incredibly lazy and resort to these clichéd expressions, because after all, we all know what is meant by them. But I certainly will not be employing any of these words and urge anyone else to avoid them too.
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